NEVER GIVE UP

Just the other week when my dad was here on leave and we were discussing my life, he said, "Hon, do you remember that picture of the bird and the frog we had?" This was ALWAYS hanging on the wall in my house growing up. I think my dad made a copy of it at work or something, came home and tacked it on the wall with a push pin. It hung their for YEARS and it was so much a part of our home that it never occurred to me it was without frame, nor was it a fancy piece of artwork and that homes don't usually have a beat up Xerox hanging on a wall as a permanent fixture. I wonder what happened to it. But I loved it, and am grateful for my father's wisdom in hanging it where none of his children would forget the image or its meaning.

To Go Along with the Blog Below...

Last night I was talking with one of my friends in California, who said this to me,

"You have an abrasive personality, no offense, but at our age its easy for a guy to find a younger girl."

Case in point...

That's Not Really Who I Am...

Tonight I was thinking about myself. I'm constantly trying to figure myself out, master my emotions, be kinder and gentler to everyone I interact with, etc. It is no secret to anyone who knows me well that I have a tendency to be hard on myself. It is also no secret to anyone who knows me well that I have a lot to work on. We all do, I know this, but the things I need to work on are OBVIOUS and affect other people's lives. I'm too blunt, too loud, too bossy, too opinionated, too hard on people... the list goes on and on and on.

As I was harping on myself and cataloguing all my faults I remembered something that a friend wrote in my yearbook my senior year of high school. While most of my "friends" wrote something that was completely surface, devoid of depth and inconsequential (which, incidentally, is a perfect description of my high school, both the education and the people) I had one friend, Brianna Farr, who wrote something that has somewhat become my mantra. She wrote, "...You are the greatest example to me because you never change for anyone. You're Fressia through and through..."

Isn't it funny how something that can be a strength - when too strong - can be a fault? One of the things I pride myself on is that I am exactly what Brianna said I was. You get what you see. If I work for you - you never have to wonder how I feel about something. If you work for me - you never have to wonder what I want from you. If you are an acquaintance of mine - you pretty much know everything about me solely by realizing that you know nothing about me and that I don't care for you to know. Unless of course you're a friend of mine (notice there are no quotations around that word this time). If you're a real friend of mine you know me inside out and backwards and you love me anyway.

I don't know where I'm going with this post except to say that I wish people would realize that I mean them no harm. I know that I am perceived as a pretty tough person, that generally people are afraid of me because I'm higher energy than most, I'm not afraid to fight for what I want, and I'm not afraid to tell you what I think. I think sometimes I get an extra bad wrap because people aren't inclined to look past those things to see my intentions and the reasons for the way I am. For the most part, I don't mind when people don't understand me, I know I don't understand people. But what I do mind is when people that I care about, or people that I want to care about me, aren't able to look past my surface, past my faults, to see what motivates me and why I do what I do.

So I guess I ought to give a shout out to the ones I really care about, the ones who do know me inside out and backwards and love me anyway. Like my best friend Kindra, I haven't seen her since 2003 and she's still the best friend I could ask for. She's seen me at my absolute worst, but she knows that doesn't cancel out my best. My little sister Brit, who knows EVERYTHING about me, and though I drive her crazy and she can't understand why I do what I do, or why I am the way that I am, accepts me as I am (though I think she still wishes she could change me). Jess and Tristen, who though they were my employees, turned out to be my friends too, and now that they're no longer my employees and we're still friends, I know that they weren't humoring me just because I was the hardcore-mean-boss-lady.

I come across as tough and heartless and so many other unpolished adjectives. That's not really who I am...

Let me take a moment to feel sorry for myself...

You know what? I'm tired of being single. So tired of it.

I do realize that it's probably my fault.

I don't go to a singles ward - too many bad experiences.
I don't go out with friends - I don't have many (and those I do have aren't single).
I don't go to any singles activities - I have no one to go with me (read comment above).

Yesterday I decided that I was in fact going to start going to the singles ward after I got out of my family ward. So I looked up the time of the ward I'm supposed to attend: 1:00 PM. Not too bad. Except I don't get out of my ward until 2:00 PM. Which would mean I would have to ask to be released from my calling - and I've come to really like those litte five year-olds.

So, just to recap: I AM SO READY NOT TO BE SINGLE ANYMORE.

But what more can I do? (I'm seriously asking for suggestions, because I'm at a loss.)

Stupid Advertisers

This morning I went to Danny's Family Car Wash where I paid $55 to have my oil changed and my car washed. (Yes, Rebecca, I did read your $$ saving blog, and I agree, but I still upgraded from the Basic Wash to VIP) I also agreed to "a $40 wax for $15" when the guy at my window told me about it. The birds keep pooping on my car and my boss told me that getting regular waxes helps save the paint from the acid in the bird-turd.

This blog isn't about car washes, oil changes, or the fecal matter of those in flight. It is, however, about the damn flyer left on my car while I was inside Fry's buying mini-loaf pans to make banana bread for the people with whom I work.

I have been irriated for years by businesses and people who think they have the right to solicit their services by leaving trash on my personal property. Yes, I know it's petty of me, but after a long day of work, I'm so excited to get home and just relax. However, the sweet release of coming home to a quiet apartment where no one is asking me questions or expecting me to be perfect is instantly marred when I approach my door to see a yellow piece of rolled up paper wedged into the loop of my door handle. It's infuriating (pehaps I need medication...).

So what do I do? I throw a fit. I grab the paper, look to see who left it, contemplate calling the damn place to leave some choice word's with the manager whose business apparently doesn't have enough clout to survive on reputation or have enough money to produce a TV commercial. After that thought, I crumple the paper and throw it in the rocks outside my apartment. Littering. I do the same thing in the parking lot when I come outside to find that someone has put their grimey hands on my car. Thus, littering in the parking lot.

So today as I was getting out of my sparkling white, freshly cleaned, well oiled, little white car at Fry's a dark little man with greasy hands and a towel slung over his shoulder said, "You want?" while thrusting a blue coupon for Cobblestone Car Wash in my face. I politely told him, "No thank you," and went inside to by my loaf pans. I came out to see that same blue coupon tucked into my driverside window. I looked at the coupon that advertised an oil change for $19.99 (the irony was not lost on me) and then noticed a greasy finger print on my window. Again with the infuriation. As I was driving out of the parking lot I saw the little man and started to aim the car in his direction. I refrained.

So I came home and did some research about the lawfulness of people touching my car in order to advertise their goods and services. Turns out there are all sorts of loopholes (go figure) to get them in trouble and for them to argue, but basically, there is nothing I can do unless I put "Do Not Solicit" stickers in my windows. Which, I think, can be done tactfully and I plan on looking into it. Then there will be hell to pay for any who decide to pick up my windshield wiper to put brightly colored paper underneath it.

But until then I will continue to throw trash on the ground and I encourage you all to do the same. My plan is that one day the earth will be covered with these stupid flyers and they will make a law that says, "Don't put flyers on stuff for which others have paid money."