5/23/09

That's Not Really Who I Am...

Tonight I was thinking about myself. I'm constantly trying to figure myself out, master my emotions, be kinder and gentler to everyone I interact with, etc. It is no secret to anyone who knows me well that I have a tendency to be hard on myself. It is also no secret to anyone who knows me well that I have a lot to work on. We all do, I know this, but the things I need to work on are OBVIOUS and affect other people's lives. I'm too blunt, too loud, too bossy, too opinionated, too hard on people... the list goes on and on and on.

As I was harping on myself and cataloguing all my faults I remembered something that a friend wrote in my yearbook my senior year of high school. While most of my "friends" wrote something that was completely surface, devoid of depth and inconsequential (which, incidentally, is a perfect description of my high school, both the education and the people) I had one friend, Brianna Farr, who wrote something that has somewhat become my mantra. She wrote, "...You are the greatest example to me because you never change for anyone. You're Fressia through and through..."

Isn't it funny how something that can be a strength - when too strong - can be a fault? One of the things I pride myself on is that I am exactly what Brianna said I was. You get what you see. If I work for you - you never have to wonder how I feel about something. If you work for me - you never have to wonder what I want from you. If you are an acquaintance of mine - you pretty much know everything about me solely by realizing that you know nothing about me and that I don't care for you to know. Unless of course you're a friend of mine (notice there are no quotations around that word this time). If you're a real friend of mine you know me inside out and backwards and you love me anyway.

I don't know where I'm going with this post except to say that I wish people would realize that I mean them no harm. I know that I am perceived as a pretty tough person, that generally people are afraid of me because I'm higher energy than most, I'm not afraid to fight for what I want, and I'm not afraid to tell you what I think. I think sometimes I get an extra bad wrap because people aren't inclined to look past those things to see my intentions and the reasons for the way I am. For the most part, I don't mind when people don't understand me, I know I don't understand people. But what I do mind is when people that I care about, or people that I want to care about me, aren't able to look past my surface, past my faults, to see what motivates me and why I do what I do.

So I guess I ought to give a shout out to the ones I really care about, the ones who do know me inside out and backwards and love me anyway. Like my best friend Kindra, I haven't seen her since 2003 and she's still the best friend I could ask for. She's seen me at my absolute worst, but she knows that doesn't cancel out my best. My little sister Brit, who knows EVERYTHING about me, and though I drive her crazy and she can't understand why I do what I do, or why I am the way that I am, accepts me as I am (though I think she still wishes she could change me). Jess and Tristen, who though they were my employees, turned out to be my friends too, and now that they're no longer my employees and we're still friends, I know that they weren't humoring me just because I was the hardcore-mean-boss-lady.

I come across as tough and heartless and so many other unpolished adjectives. That's not really who I am...

4 comments:

Michelle Perry said...

Oh man oh man cuz, are we cut out of the same cloth. I could have written this post word for word. The one's who love you anyway, hold on to them tight, they are few and far between. Lucky for me, when I found someone I deep down honestly love more than anything, even myself, I was able to treat him like a king.Everyday for the last 13 years. Every minute. I know that how I treat him is who I REALLY am. Unfortunately my personality traits I have been trying to change for 4 years are still hanging on around most everyone else in my life. As I have completely alienated Jason's family and have to bear the guilt of that, I tell my husband how sad it is that they don't even know who I am. Because they don't. That's not really who I am. Fressia, I know your heart. :)

Brittany said...

It is sad that you think what I am trying to do is change you. All I am trying to do is get the reaction out of them that YOU want. I love you Fressia, I wouldn't change a thing about you.

Trichelle said...

you know, maybe you perceive me to be a "friend", but honestly I did and do care/love about you! You know now days it is hard to come across someone who is REAL. That's all that you are, real. I love people that are like that, although I will admit that sometimes it is hard to swallow...I on the otherhand have always been a pleaser. I avoid confrontation at all costs and will just tuck away my feelings to avoid any negative feelings errupting. However after my first marriage ended I realized that there is no way I could continue my life in that path. I've changed a bit and it is nice. People for the most part know where they stand with me. Hold on to that quality and relish in the fact that it is you. Always has been and always will be.

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