Jokes Folks!

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle...

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, [donkeybutt]?”
(Content edited for little readers.)

How do you get a kleenex to dance?… Put a little boogey in it.

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”

The invisible couple had a kid and he isn’t much to look at either!

Two boys are in a doctor’s office and one turns to the other and says, “What are you doing here?” The first kid says, “Well, I’m getting my tonsils out.” The other kid says, “I had that done. Don't worry, it’s not that bad. You get to lay around the house, eat ice cream and not have to talk to anyone.”Then the other kid says, “That’s good to know. What are you doing here?”The first kid replies, “I’m getting circumcised.” The other kid responds, “Oh man, I had that done… and it took me a year to learn to walk!!”

What did Delaware? She wore a brand New Jersey!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. ~Franklin P. Jones

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."Right away, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

I HATE Scorpions!

I've always been afraid of and disgusted by Scorpions.

Last night, I got stung by one.

Last night I stepped on one of God's ugliest creations and paid for my assumption that walking around a dark house barefoot is ok.

Last night I didn't fall asleep until around 6:00 AM. Oddest pain I've ever experienced. My foot and ankle felt numb, yet I could still feel so much pain. It felt like there was a hot iron being held on the arch of my foot, the bones in my foot and ankle were aching and to top it all off it felt like a thousand needles were pricking my foot.

Disgusting worthless creatures. Seriously, what are they good for? What purpose do they serve?

How to Fix the Kitchen Sink

So there's been an odd smell in the house in this one spot in the kitchen. However, the house is very clean and organized so I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Last night, when I ran the garbage disposal I figured out that the smell was coming from the sink. So I called my mom.

Me,"Mom, I think the sink stinks, what do I do?"

Mom, "Run the disposal with the water running for three or four minutes and then pour baking soda down there and let it sit for a while."

OK. Emily, Jessica and Sandra were on their way over to visit so I texted Emily and asked her to bring a box of baking soda. She did. She's a good cousin.

I split the box of baking soda between the two drains.

I let it sit over night.

Did I say that I split the ENTIRE box of baking soda between the two sinks? It was a big box of baking soda. This pictures was after the whole fiasco, that's why the sinks look grodey. I cleaned them.

Sunday morning went like this.

Me, "Mom, I think something is wrong with the sink. It won't drain. I did what you said with the baking soda."

Mom, "Stir it up. Let the water dissolve the baking soda. You left it in there too long." (She never gave me a timeframe.)

Half hour later after stirring the grodey water in the sink.

Me, "Mom, it didn't work."

Mom, "Here, talk to your father."

Dad, "Hi Honey, I hear you're having problems with the kitchen sink."

Me, "Dad, I am having a problem! Mom told me to put a box of baking soda down the sink and now when I turn on the water in one sink, the other sink fills up with water FROM THE BOTTOM! When I turn on the disposal all the water goes out of the disposal sink and fills the other sink. When I turn the disposal off, the water goes right back into the other one so they both get filled again. The water is just going back and forth between the sinks. It's gross."

So my kind father walked me through how to fix the kitchen sink.

#1. Find out where the clog is located. In this case, it was in what is called the "P-trap," the U shaped part of pipe under the sink.

#2. Find a bucket that will catch all the water or you're going to have a big mess on your hands. Place this bucket under the pipes.

#3. Loosen the bolts and the water will start to leak out. Then all of a sudden it will explode and the P-trap will fall off and a ton of water will come rushing out and you'll think that your bucket isn't big enough to hold it all so you'll scream and say, "Hold on Dad!" and run out to the garage and try to find anything else to catch the water. You'll run back into the kitchen with a cooler that is already half filled with melted ice only to find that your estimation was correct and the previous bucket was large enough to hold all the water. But it was a close call.

#4. Take the bucket out into the front yard and empty it and look into the P-trap to figure out what is clogging it. Realize that about six inches of pipe is blocked solid with baking soda. #5. Go out to the front curb with a butterknife and pry out all the soggy baking soda.

#6. Try to put the sink back together. Call Cousin George because it just doesn't seem right and you're afraid to turn on the water for fear of flooding underneath the sink

#7. Have George confirm that you did everything correctly, tell you your house doesn't stink anymore, say, "Ya think?!"

#8. Be totally proud of yourself for fixing something by yourself!

#9. Write a blog about it just for all those who like to read about the everyday happenings of your boring life.

Camping/Wakeboarding

Kristen sleeping on the boat. I should have thought of that and I wouldn't have been woken up FOUR times by a SKUNK. But I didn't want to get sick sleeping on the boat. Plus there was a fire to keep me warm, ya'll know how I feel about being cold.

I'm tired... Didn't get much sleep. Can you tell?

Davey and Barry. Davey looks like he's pledging allegiance to the flag.

It was really cold that morning. Kristen is freezing. Barry's keeping her warm.

Another cute picture of me and Davey. We're both looking our best, for sure!

Kristen is a little more awake.

Two hot girls! (That were really cold.)

Rich, keeping me warm. (Yes, I know the pictures are sideways but I'm too lazy to fix them.)

Davey was the first one in the water.

Then it was Rich's turn.

Then it was my turn.

Then it was Barry's turn. But for some reason I didn't take pictures of that. Sorry Barry. But I think I took this one while you were wakeboarding.

Then it was Kristen's turn.

All in all it was a very fun boat trip! Thanks Barry!